dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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