Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
