when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
