____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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