I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
