True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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