This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
