I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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