im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
