Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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