Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
