cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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