Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
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