Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
