so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
splinters make it hard to masturbate
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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