We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
