I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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