It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
