The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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