you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
