70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
