My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
