I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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