Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
