so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
