I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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