Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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