Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So squirting runs in the family.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
