Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
