Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
