So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
