I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
