Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
