Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
