Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
