All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
