i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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