everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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