I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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