SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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