I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
