he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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