Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
