just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
