I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
