There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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