Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
