I'd wear matching sweaters with you
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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