If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
