but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
