when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
