How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
