Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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