My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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