When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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