you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Everyone says I win the strip club
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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