it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
