Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So. Much. Porn.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
