I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
