he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
