She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
