I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
