Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
