You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
