gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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